How Expectations Can Hurt Us

Life really is like a box of chocolates…

The sentiment of ‘you never know what you’re going to get’ hits the nail right on the head. As much as we like to plan and set up things so that we know what is coming or to ‘save for a rainy day’ we really don’t truly know what life is going to throw at us next. It’s how we react to what is thrown at us that defines how well we will get through it, and what we take (or don’t take) from the situation. Will we see it as a positive or negative lesson? Look at it as a failure, or an opportunity to succeed the next time around?

Expectations

One of the biggest reasons I don’t seem to react to big changes well is that I tend to have a lot of expectations.

When we expect that something is or isn’t going to happen (based on what we want or don’t want to happen) it colors our reactions. Instead of taking things as what they are and working with them as they come up, we have instead already created our own reality based on our expectations about what should happen. At best, we prepare ourselves for the worst case scenario. At worst, we have no back up plan because we so desperately want things to happen the way we expected them to, that we aren’t able to see any other way we might be happy.

The Pressure We Place on Ourselves

When the failure of life to happen exactly in the way we wish or expect it to, is a ‘worst case scenario‘ that is a LOT of pressure we are placing on ourselves.

If we don’t achieve the results we want: if we don’t get that one perfect job, if the relationship with the person we thought was ‘the one’ doesn’t work out, if the money we were intending for a down payment on a house needs to be used for unexpected expenses…..

We feel like utter failures.

Do we really need to feel like failures when things don’t work out the way we thought they would? Is it conducive to our productivity or happiness?

Does feeling like a failure increase our quality of life or help motivate us?

I don’t believe it does. I believe it chips away at our belief in ourselves and keeps us from taking chances because we are scared that things won’t work out.

Letting Go of Expectations and Fear of Failure

I like this quote from one of the mindfulness blogs I follow, Everyday Mindfulness:

‘Expectations can hinder our ability to see clearly. Let go of what you think should be happening, to see what really is’

What if we didn’t expect any particular results, but just lived in the present and made the best of whatever life threw at us? What if we opened our minds to the possibility that there are always a hundred different ways things can go, and so no matter which way they go, we’ll figure out a way to make things work for the best? Even if we have to consider things we’ve never considered before….

I’ll use a friend of mine as an example:

This friend saved and put money away for years so she could buy a house. Then, one day she realized how miserable she was in her career as a corporate lawyer (although she was making a lot of money) and decided to get out. She found a part time job that made maybe 1/4 of what she had been making, crunched down all her expenses and lived as frugally as possible, drawing from her savings to fill in the gaps, believing she would find a full time job in the area she wanted within a year, so she’d still have plenty of savings left.

She ended up having to work part time for three years before she found that full time opportunity.

She used a lot more of her savings than she had planned on or wanted to. She allowed herself for a moment to think ‘Well, I guess I won’t be buying that house any time soon….’. But then, she decided that if she wasn’t going to get to buy a house now, that it was o.k. She was still happier working towards having a career that would allow her a personal life, than going back to a career that made a lot of money but where she was unable to enjoy the money that she earned.

She trusted that the right job would come along if she just kept working hard and pursuing what she really wanted.

Those savings she had intended to buy a house, instead bought her peace of mind, a new life, and eventually a new and satisfying full time career. She’s now able to start putting money into savings again.

The savings she had built up for that ‘one day’ house fulfilled an even more important purpose.

Recognizing Your Own Limiting Beliefs and Fears So You Can Change

My reactions to change and to things not working out as planned have changed dramatically over the past few years. I’ve learned that whenever it seems like I’ve lost an opportunity or failed at something I’m trying to achieve, it is in fact only paving the way for different and better opportunities.

When I realized that I couldn’t find the type of work that I wanted to support myself in Europe, so that I could keep working on building my business, I took it as a sign it wasn’t where I was meant to be long term. Once I decided this, I knew I had to make the most of my time there while I had it and ended up having some amazing experiences. Though I still kept my eyes open for opportunities, I was aware that they might not happen the way I had planned or hoped.

This attitude led me to meeting my romantic partner as well as finding a professional opportunity in Europe that helped me to stay there a couple of years longer while still being able to maintain a connection to my industry and professional niche. That experience paved the way to my being more prepared and facile with working remotely and digitally with international clients around the world.

Life doesn’t have to go the way we plan it. In fact it almost never does. It’s how we deal with the unexpected that determines our happiness and real success.

Let your dreams change and adapt as you do-

xo

Brooke